my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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