Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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