Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
