I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
