I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Houston, we have a squirter
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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