Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
