I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
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