he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
