first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
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I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
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Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
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