I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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