If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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