It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
