He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
