I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Houston, we have a blender
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
