You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
