I wanna bring you to show and tell
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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