it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
