Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
19 Parents Had Epic Reactions When Catching Their Kids Being “Bad”
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy