Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
