I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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