how can u be prego again
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
