i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
