don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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