He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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