If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
