I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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