Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
