she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
