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i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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