I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
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