I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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