I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
