I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I party with great urgency now.
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