Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
