apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
