god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
