dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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