Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
