Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
