he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
