remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
