My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
