as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
