friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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