Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
And then my night got REAL pukey
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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