Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
