i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My Sexting was not on an AP level
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
