You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
