she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
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