Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
