I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
