I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
