The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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